I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
