well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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