I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
