His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
