I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
