The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
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It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
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I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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