you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
