Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
