I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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