I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
