i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
