I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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