I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
