As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.