Swine flu is the new snow day.
Farmville is her only friend.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
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They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
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No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis