i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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