I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
