ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?