I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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