It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
