just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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