Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
