I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
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Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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