I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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