The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I don't deserve a penis
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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