I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
