We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
