I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
