I wish I could teleport
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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