My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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