I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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