She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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