Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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