where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
