What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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