Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
