atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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