perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
