am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
