You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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