you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
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So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
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Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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