Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
