Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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