OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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