Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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