why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
