Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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