hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
