This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
