I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
