I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
