Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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