everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
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He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
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you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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