I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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