I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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