there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
