If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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