I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
