Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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