he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Randomize
